I work. I actually work a lot. I look at Mia every morning and beg her not to change or discover anything new until I get to see her at night. But then I get home at night and I am so tired. A lot of nights I pray that Mia will take a bottle, fall asleep and stay asleep until the sun rises. I often feel so guilty. The part that makes me feel like the worst mom in the world is that I could stay home if I wanted to (with sacrifice of course). But, I choose not to. In some ways I have rationalized that working actually makes me a better mother. Because I work Mia can basically have anything she wants. We will be able to send her to private school, enjoy vacations and make sure that college is paid for. I further rationalize it by telling myself that my mother worked and I turned out just fine. However, deep down inside I know that I work because I don't want to loose myself. It is selfish and I know that. But I am scared.
This morning Mia cried the whole way to the center. She was feed, dry and warm. All of her basic needs were met. She is old enough now that it is so easy to decipher her cry. I know exactly what she wanted. She wanted me. We pulled into the parking lot and I opened the backdoor. I lifted her and she placed her head on my shoulder letting out a huge sigh. It is days like this that I just wish it was easy enough to make a u-turn, take her home and spend the day lying on the couch.
Parenting really is a selfless job and I have extreme admiration for mothers who take it on as their full time job. I need to learn how to juggle life better. It honestly would be the best gift I could ever give Mia. Better then anything money could buy. This morning instead of begging Mia not to change I promised her that I would.
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